Motherhood & Words

A few days ago I was talking with a friend about deciding to have a C-section. (After much waffling, it just feels like the right choice for me. I scheduled for 8 am on March 4th.) My friend said, “Well that makes a lot of sense. You know the date and time. I bet that gives you a sense of control—something you lacked completely the first time around.”

My first instinct when she said this was to nod my head: “Yes, yes, that’s right. I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

My second instinct was to back away, scared. Lord knows I like to be in control and have everything planned out. But I know things rarely go as planned, especially with childbirth, and I felt that by trying to control things, I may have jinxed myself.

Well, yesterday I when I was dropping Stella at preschool I began to have low back pain that wrapped around my left side. It continued for about an hour at work, then migrated up my back. Eventually, it went away, but I called my doctor. (Could this be what the beginning of labor feels like?) I went in and my cervix was still closed, but the doctor said I was measuring small for almost 37 weeks. One other doctor had said a similar thing a few weeks back, but my own doc hasn’t been concerned about this. In the last week, I have been a little concerned, though. I kept asking D, “Do you think I’m big enough?” And on Tuesday I saw a friend who is 39 weeks, and she was HUGE, her belly a solid beach ball.

I left the doctor’s office nervous, again. D and I sat on the couch last night, trying to distract ourselves with LOST, but it didn’t work. A small baby could mean my placenta isn’t functioning properly. What else could it mean? I really don’t know.

I’m going in this morning for an ultrasound, and I just hope this little bugger is okay. I’ll post later, when we know more. Keep your fingers crossed for me, for baby.

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I have been teaching creative writing for almost twenty years. Reading about other women’s lives and experiences has expanded my world. To be able to walk in someone else’s shoes, whether it’s for a moment or an hour or a few days, is an incredible gift, providing me with insight into the human experience. It takes courage to write your truths, especially if it doesn’t seem as though anyone cares, as though anyone is listening. Let me tell you: your stories matter, I’m listening, and I’m here to help you find the heart of those truths, to get them down on the page, to craft them, and to send them out into the world. Together, we will change the world, one story at a time.


  1. kristenspina on February 15, 2008 at 8:16 am

    Sending you an enormous hug, and keeping my fingers crossed. Good luck today.

  2. lintofpocket on February 15, 2008 at 9:48 am

    Let us know! I’ve been through a similar experience and I am nervous for you, now. Hopefully you just have a tiny baby!

  3. Erica on February 15, 2008 at 10:00 am

    Thinking of you, and I will check back later to see how it went!

  4. Amanda on February 15, 2008 at 10:57 am

    We’ll be thinking of you, Kate.